I grew up with a wonderful family, fell in love at 18 and got married at 22.  For all of my adult life I have been in love with a wonderful man who has blessed me with friendship, companionship and love.  I’m so grateful.  Holidays, even the small ones where you have a Monday off of work and aren’t really sure why, were always spent with family and friends.  And the big occasions like Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving were even better.  

It wasn’t until the past two years that I realized the “dark side” of holidays and weekends.  Let me ask you this:

Have you ever been lonely?

We have all experienced loneliness at some level and can probably remember a time in our life when we struggled to find community.  Friday nights were spent at home and our lunch break during the week found us hiding in our office hoping no one would notice that we were, in fact, alone.  I remember when I started my job in Houston being very lonely the first week.  My second day of work was my birthday and no one knew.  I saw groups of people going out for lunch together, laughing in the hallways and all I wanted to do was cry at my desk and yell, “it’s my birthday, people!”  I must say though, I never knew true loneliness until my husband entered his residency and I was left with more time that I could ever desire on my own.  And I had no idea just how awful holidays and weekends can truly be.

It’s one thing to balance my solitude on a weekly basis.  I usually have at least one activity going on and a time to connect with friends on some level.  The problem is that the weekends always come.  For most people, weekends are spent with family.  Two days off of work to play and rest.  What people with M-F jobs don’t realize is that for many of us weekends are no different than the week.  I’m usually left with two wide open days to fill.  The weekend can feel never ending and all I want to do is get back to the week!  Obviously if my husband is actually off it’s a different story.  Holidays are even worse because you feel the increased hype around you.  Yesterday I was in the worst mood, only because I knew that all around me families were gathering, meals were shared, and moms were being celebrated.  Even though my parents and my in-laws sent me beautiful cards, I was sad to be alone with the girls.  And, if my husband had been home it would have been an amazing day, because that’s just who he is.  (to his credit, when he got home after working 14 hours he did run out and get me Chinese food along with a beautiful card and gifts- so, he totally rocks).

Okay, all of this rambling is simply to bring light to the fact that for many in our world, neighborhood even, holidays and weekends are lonely.  Are we willing to invite the single guy down the street over on Saturday for dinner?  What about the new couple that just moved here from far away over for Thanskgiving?  As much as I hate that my husband works 80 hours a week, I’m grateful that through this experience my eyes have been opened to the reality of the loneliness that is so rampant in our world.  People are longing to connect, to be part of community and to be invited.  

If you are in a lonely place, hang in there.  Sometimes it’s our job to make the first move, to be willing to awkwardly invite ourselves over to someone’s house, “crash” another family’s holiday meal, and extend invitations of our own.  And if you aren’t in lonely-ville, reach out!  What is the worst thing that can happen?

I can’t even being to count how many times I hear this word from BQ on a daily basis.  Now that she finally understands the use of this term rather than saying that everything “hurts” she has no qualms about telling us about everything that is causing her problems.  The hood on the sweatshirt, the low-rise jeans that make “her bunsies stick out” (why do they make toddler jeans this way!!!???), tags on shirts, seams on socks, t-shirt sleeves, pajama bottoms that are loose and ride up under sheets, ponytails, and bedtime pull-ups.  And those are only the things that come to mind right now.  This girl also loves to wear her pajamas and would all day long if I allowed.  When she wakes up, she puts on her big girl panties but wants to linger in her pajamas until we HAVE to put on “outside clothes.”  As much as it drives me up the wall, my sweet husband has reminded me that I am the same way.  What’s the first thing I do when I get home?  Put on a t-shirt, that is a non “fancy” one that I wear out in public, and sweats.  I cannot stand to be in clothing that is at all restrictive or fitted. I must be comfortable.

So I look at BQ and I and realize that in a frightening way we are similar in this area.  Albeit I have some better coping skills after 30 years of dealing with various aspects of clothing and accessories, neither one of us particularly enjoys being away from that which makes us feel comfortable.  Maybe the thought that we can control this one aspect of life, while dealing with all of the external parts that can make us leave this comfort zone brings us, well, comfort.  There will be many things throughout the day that are unplanned and unwelcome.  Choices we make can bring outcomes we had not expected and we end up in situations for which we hadn’t prepared.  If possible, most of us run away, desperate to get back to what’s known.  To what’s comfortable.

Do you know what though?  Comfort doesn’t make the world go round.  Comfort doesn’t get the job done.  Comfort doesn’t accomplish squat.  It is self-seeking, self-pleasing, self-preserving and self-absorbed.  Change and justice are not brought about through complacency.  Injustice is only brought crashing to its knees when people are made to squirm, to step outside of themselves, and get uncomfortable.  Thank God that the small percentage of us who are willing to get our hands dirty and take a chance are making a difference, because you and I know that the vast majority of us are not.  We’re too consumed with getting what we “need” to donate a penny from our bank accounts, too “tired” to give any of our time, too busy to slow down and make eye contact with the homeless in our city, and too chicken to branch out from the daily grind to make a difference.  And it’s really sad.  

Right now, I’m sitting on my couch, sipping iced coffee, listening to some of my favorite music inside my apartment.  Am I comfortable?  Yes.  Do I really feel like getting up?  No.  How sad is that?  A world of people sitting on their couches, too comfortable to do anything but complain from afar, not willing to actually bring about the change that they so long for, and definitely ready to point fingers at anyone but themselves for all that’s wrong in the world.  But, how WRONG is that!  

We were not given life, this life, so that we could waste it on our own pleasure.  Switchfoot says, “We were made to live for so much more, have we lost ourselves?”  Look outside your community, see the world with eyes that are eager to bring about hope, peace, and joy where it is lacking.  Justice to those who have been neglected, love to those both near and far, and friendship to those whose opinions you do not share.  Will you dare to be uncomfortable with me?  If we won’t do it, our children won’t do it and we will raise a generation of self-centered individuals.  Let’s strive for something more, something that’s really freakin’ hard, but worth each drop of sweat and tears that we can give.  Change is possible.

P.S.  Wedgies, that’s the other one for BQ.  Poor girl cannot get those panties on right!

If I had to describe my parenting style, I would say I’m firmly relaxed.  Discipline and manners are just non negotiable- I expect my children to be the kind that say “please” and “thank you,” open doors for others, chew with their mouths closed (hopefully someday), don’t cut in line and respect other people.  In terms of their diets I was definitely more uptight with BQ than I am with Molé.  No matter how you fight it, things simply aren’t exactly the same with the second child.  I’m still rigid when it comes to candy.  BQ has had 3 lollipops in her life, all of which have been while getting her haircut and frankly I don’t see myself bringing candy into our world as a daily thing anytime soon.  All this to say, in all other areas I would say I’m on the more laid back side.

As we all know, there are millions of ways to parent children.  I’ve seen many styles on display in my short time as a mom, since anything I thought I saw or had an opinion about prior to having children is not valid.  Let’s be honest I had no clue, no frame of reference, and no idea.  Some of my closest friends and I differ in how we are parenting, but I truly believe we are both doing well.  Each child is different, so often we moms need to tweak our strategy when dealing with them as individuals.  The only parenting style that I’ve come across that concerns me is what I like to call “fear-based” parenting.  Let me explain.

We all know that we live in a fallen, broken, and often dangerous world.  When we have children, we begin to view our world in a different light.  Sometimes the thought of our children “out there” is frightening to parents.  This fear unfortunately permeates each and every part of their parenting.  These parents feel compelled to spend hundreds of dollar on gear to “protect” their children from bodily harm around the home, purchase a multitude of cleaning product to ensure that each and every inch of their home and child are germ free at all times, “hover” over their child at the playground, think the slightest sniffle must be (sigh) swine flu, and cut their children’s bananas into pieces so small that they simply turn to mush until they are 10 for fear that they might choke.  And then, these parents meet me.  They come into my home and see my children eat Cheerios off the ground, run around and crash into furniture, shove handfuls of food into their mouths, and get into the trash.  My world is not a Clorox commercial- nothing sparkles, nothing is without cooties, and we live with risk.  And I like it that way.

I cannot imagine how stressed these parents must be.  Can you imagine living with that kind of obsessive fear?  Constantly googling the latest diseases, food allergies, recalled products, child accidents, etc., etc., etc!!!???  If you are reading this and that is you, I would love to know if you sleep.  Do you?  I am not ignorant to the realities of the world- I just CHOOSE to live differently in light of that truth.  I am not going to waste my time worrying about what could happen.  Yes I know that .000000000000001% means there is still a chance, but who cares.  Life is full of chance, isn’t that sort of what it’s all about?  Bad stuff happens.  Know that, deal with it and then move on.  Let your kid fall on the playground, take a chance and don’t clean your toilet each time it’s used and make macaroni and cheese out of a box for dinner.  

I have to admit that I have the advantage of believing in God.  I believe that there is someone else who,  at the end of the day, is in charge.  I’m still accountable and am going to give this mothering thing everything that I have, so don’t hear that.  I am simply relieved of holding it all together, making it all happen, and the responsibility of controlling the things that I can’t!  And God was upfront about this- we will suffer.  He didn’t sugar coat it, didn’t lie, but let us know full well that we should never be surprised when something bad happens.  It comes with the territory.  The other side of this promise is that we are not forsaken when the poop hits the fan.  He’s there with us, on his hands and knees, wiping it up.  I guess that’s why I don’t worry and why I don’t have to engage in “fear-based” parenting.  We fear what we don’t know or what we don’t understand.  Because of my knowledge of God I have knowledge that brings peace.  Maybe that, most of all is the difference.

So, I’ll continue to parent like I always have- pretty hands off 95% of the time, but riding my girls around manners and respecting other people.  And I’ll savor the sweet peace I’ve been given that has nothing to do with life circumstance.  Are you doing “fear-based” parenting?  Are you burned out?  Turn off the search engine, put down the sanitizer and let’s talk about real peace.  And remember, what’s the worst that could happen?